I’m Grateful 

Good morning Journal, 

      I have noticed that my entries have been rather depressing. And though I can make a million excuses upon how it’s not my fault it’s the way life has been treating me, it wouldn’t make up for the way I see things. I was thinking that, yes, things have been bad lately but why not be greatful for the little things that have happened? 

      First off,  the most important thing I’m grateful for is my mother, she has been there with me through thick and thin and has always been by my side. She has made me the person I am today. And even though we are going through this (even if she doesn’t deserve to go through it) it will make us stronger. Our bond will grow and we will get to know ourselves better. 

      I’m grateful for the times I’ve spent with my family. Granted it hasn’t been much and the times have been hard. But those moments when we were together and nothing seemed to faze us, I’m grateful for those. For the little moments that we only saw each other. When we were in our own little world and nothing could touch us, we were untouchable. I’m grateful for those moments  because those moments give me strength to go on. They make me want to have more of those moments more often. 

      I’m also grateful for my heart. I know I can be a little brat, but I’m so thankful that I didn’t end up like the rest of this crappy world (mama raised me right). I care. Yes, I care about other people. Do I know them? No. But I care. I care for my friends. I care for my coworkers. I care. And I’m grateful for that. Sometimes it hurts me but who would I be if I was always going about my day like I didn’t give a fuck? I’m grateful I’m not that kind of person. 

      I’m grateful for everything I have. It may not be much but that’s ok. Not having much has taught me that earning things by your own sweat and tears feels better than to just be handed something. For fighting for what you want and not just take it. I’m grateful for that. 

     I’m grateful for my values and morals. Without them, would I even be human? 

      I know I don’t have much, but I’m grateful for the things that I do. And, honestly, I don’t think I need anything else.
 

3/29/2017

It’s A Fortune Just To Stay Alive

So Journal,

Yesterday we saw the surgeon. He gave my mother two alternatives. Remove part of the breast and have the other get radiation, or remove the whole breast and have reconstruction surgery and just get chemo.

Even though they might seem like great solutions, (after all its her staying alive what we want), it’s still hard for her. I can see it. She doesn’t want to admit it. Shes a strong person. Doesn’t like to admit defeat.But she can’t manage this all on her own.

Monday we will see the oncologist and he will tell us everything we need to know about the cancer. How big, what stage, and how much chemo she will have to under go until she is once again superwoman.

The surgery though isn’t until May. Well, May the second. The insurance has to approve it and I guess medical is slow on these things. My initial thought would be that they act fast to get that thing out of her. But nothing moves people like money and everyone has to have their backs covered, right? It’s a sad world we live in.

Because, if you really think of it. If people were doctors because they wanted to save lives they really wouldn’t need the money right? They are doing it because its something they want to do? But then again, who will pay their bills? How will they make a living? My point is, it’s a fortune just to stay alive.

I’m glad we found a program that will help us though. I always under appreciated those things. People giving money to charities and other programs, but now I understand. It isn’t until you go through things that makes you see live in a new way. Makes you wake up each they and wonder, everything could change in the matter of seconds, so enjoy what you have. 

My boss is very lenient. I asked him permission to leave early this upcoming Monday and he granted it without asking what time I would be leaving at. That’s nice of him. This whole thing is really starting to stress me out. That’s when I feel guilty because I’m not the one with the cancer. I’m trying my hardest to stay sane but it’s getting complicated.

 

 

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3/23/2017

Acting “Normal”

Dear Journal,

     I feel like no one cares. It’s not that they don’t care it’s that they don’t know. Part of me thinks, if they don’t know how can they care. But then again I can’t scream out to the world for them to know. 

     I have been meaning to tell one of my cowrkers. She has gone trough the same thing with her mom. I feel like if anyone can understand what I feel it would be her. But then again, I don’t want to cause her any angst. I don’t want to worry her. She may have some advice, but I can never find the right time to tell her. And it’s not something you can just bring up in abnormal convo like, “hey, my mom had breast cancer.” 

      I reminded my boss about tomorrow and he said it was fine. He said he was “sorry” again. But when he said it he didn’t look at me but at his work. I don’t ask for much from him I know. But maybe he could look me in the eyes when he wants to show his simphathy. Maybe that’s just his way? 

     There are people I wouldn’t like to find out. Some piel just like the way you suffer. Or the little fact that they are doing better than you. I’m not sure. What ever it may be this is turning out to be harder than I original had in mind. 

     Anyway, back to my lunch. Back to acting normal

It Will Change Us Forever

Dear Journal,

These past few days have been a little rough. I’m not going to lie its really hard (this cancer thing). I’m trying my best to stay strong and be positive in front of everyone, but I know soon as I don’t find way to relax and let out my despair I feel like I’ll turn into a ticking time bomb.

This Friday I talked to my boss,  and another supervisor. Originally I just wanted my boss to know but its good that she knows just as well, since she will ask questions either way when she notices my change in work habits or absences.

Like any other supporting humans they felt sorry. He (the manager) said he had my full support in what ever I needed. Of course I don’t really need much from him since he is just my boss. All I need from him is the approval to leave early on days in which is necessary. I also informed him that I didn’t want to abuse of his authority that’s why I had to talk to him about it.

I told my best friend. He took it well. I know he will be some sort of anchor for me. Someone I can talk to about everything. He’s eighteen so of course the wisdom he will provide me with will not be that of gran experience but his support will do more or me than he will ever know.

My mom’s ex boyfriend knows as well. He said he’s going to do anything in his power to help us get through this. His brothers wife had breast cancer and uterus cancer. She is a survivor and gave my mom a lot of tips of what she is going to go through and what she can do to make this experience  not so bad.

Other than that we haven’t told anyone and mainly it’s because my mom doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. We will tell friends and family first. Then our church. Yes, we are religious. Me, I would consider myself a stray even though I go every Sunday. I never applied anything to my life but I liked going. I was thinking though that it is sad that when we are in trouble we tend to look at God for help. Yet, when we are doing fine we act like there is no God. I don’t like that feeling. That’s why the last time I was in trouble and I looked to him I said I would stay by His side but I did stray anyway. Not enough to not go to church but enough to not be fully there.

All that’s left to do know is wait and see where this journey will take us. It’s not going to be fun, I know. I will struggle, it will change us all for ever, no matter what the outcome will be. I lost two friends in the beginning of the year and have gotten closer to another. My job is OK for now, I just hope we all have the strength to keep moving forward.

 

 

3/19/2017

The Big C

Journal,

     I don’t know what to feel or how. I know exactly how I should feel, sad. Maybe a little devastated. I should be on the floor hysterically crying asking “why?” Instead I feel a hole. Dark and cold. My brain scans all the possible answers to the why. I feel regret. I feel anger towards the time I have wasted. The precious moments I wasted doing things that were so worthless and now see that those moments I could have been there. I could have had more time. 

     I did cry. I can not put up a front and say I didn’t, that would make me heartless. I cried in private. To myself. I have to be strong.

“We have to be strong, we are going to be strong.” 

      My mom said when I came home. I knew she was getting check ups after check ups at the doctors. It never hit me until today. Yes, I always knew the possibility. But never assumed it to be true. Never imagined that the story would actually be played out this way. 

     We said we would be strong. But we know we are only humans. There is only so much we can take. 

      I ask myself why her? She is my everything. She has been a father, mother, friend, my conscience, and much more to me. She has such a big heart. She has done no harm to me. She hasn’t hurt anyone, made no enemies. She’s the reason I am what I am. Every kind and loving part my soul I have learned from her. She has taught me so much about caring and being a good person. 

     I’m not scared of death. I have never been. Death is death. Perhaps it’s because I have never seen it up close. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t blink twice. But her? I can’t picture that. What would my days be waking up with out seeing her face? How would I feel to come home and not have our afternoon talks ? What would I be when I can’t call her to ask her something? When I need her opinion? What will I turn into once I relized she’s not there to hold me when I’m hurt? To comfort me when I’m doubting? Who will guide me through this tough life? How will I be able to go on? What will be the purpose of life then? Of trying to stay alive? What will I live for? 

     Why am I making myself the victim ? Maybe I’m overreacting. Fuck you, if you think that’s the case. She’s my mother and if she’s gone nothing can replace her. Nothing can replace the way her voice sounds. Nothing will replace the way she knows how to make me feel better. Nothing will replace her love. 

     She can’t leave us yet. She won’t. We will get through this, I promise. 

3/15/2015