Socially Awkward

Journal,

     I can’t do! I’m freaking out! I’m sitting in my kitchen table on Netflix (which is usual) but the fact that its 6:13 pm on Friday, not any Friday, the second Friday that my friend’s have rescheduled a “Friend’s Night” so we can hang out.

     I have full anxiety. They have been group texting all day. I only joined once, they expect me to get there soon, (I said I’d be there t six) but I just can’t find it in me to get up and go. One of them asked where we wanted to eat. (I’m broke as FUCK). I texted back that I would eat at home and just go to their house after.

     That didn’t work she said that she would just order pizza. That’s cool I thought , then she texted another friend to take soda and chips, in the group chat! Like you could have done that in a personal text. But whay have me see? (WHAT THE FUCK). So, am I just supposed to go empty-handed? That makes me feel so bad and I don’t even know why. How can I just go and act jolly and laugh at everythig and have fun when everything is not fun. I’m panicking I’m breathing hard and fast, I’m sweaty an its thirty-four degrees outside.

     Last week I canceled, this week I’m not even going to show up? I don’t even know what I’m doing. They are my friends, right? Why am I running away from them? Why am I putting up walls? Why can’t I be real with them?  I just cant do it.

     So I’m just going to sit here all night and watch them blow up my phone wih “where are you?” texts. No, I wont answer, because even if I tried I don’t know what I would say. I’ll jus keep watching Netflix because that’s the only thing I am good at. I’m so socially awkward. I can’t have have a normal oversation , let alone some friends? Whats up with that? Ugh.

2/24/2017

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4 thoughts on “Socially Awkward

  1. I sympathize with how you feel regarding not having money to spend for outside food and feeling bad about it. I’m broke as well (no job, trying to deal with SA, and now I’m on food stamps). It’s hard not to feel like people will judge you for not bringing anything over, especially if your friend asked someone else to bring stuff and not you. I feel like that all the time when my family and I eat out and I can’t be the one to pay the bill. I can’t think of anything positive about my situation but for yours, maybe it’s not a bad thing that you go to the hangout empty handed. I’m assuming whoever brings the food will have everyone there share it, including you, so no one will be excluded.

    Me too with the Netflix lol. I pretty much will watch stuff to have something to do, but I’m terrified of going to the movie theater with someone. I did once in the past to see Star Trek with a friend, but it literally took everything in me to even show up to meet with him. About a week ago he asked if I wanted to see another movie and I couldn’t bring myself to respond. I often delay my responses by text bc I’m too anxious to say yes or no. There have been a couple of times I haven’t opened the message just so the person won’t get the notification that I read the message and didn’t respond. :/

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    • I feel the same way honestly, I procrastinate my every move, what ever I do I over think it so much that I either don’t end up doing it and just sit there or end up messing up. Sometimes I end up thinking about over thinking and it’s just an big thinking mess.

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  2. Yep I’m a procrastinator and over thinker as well. I’m always worried shit will go wrong if I decide to go, or if I don’t go, it’s a pain to go through the motions of having to fight my instinct of retreating into my corner bc I feel anxious and at the same time wanting to push myself to go to prove my fears aren’t real. 😦

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    • I totally understand. If I go somewhere I always question why I’m there if i don’t I hate myself because I didn’t go, its a loose/loose situation. Sadly.

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