So, I was thinking (which is never a good idea, for anyone) that I think I my have social anxiety. Like any other normal person the first thing I did after my self diagnose was go straight to the internet. I googled social anxiety. I do relate to many of the things that describe the “social phobia.” Yes, I do have problems starting and holding a conversation with a human being, (I conversate better with animals, they understand me).
It’s more than just not being able to speak to people. When I’m out or even at work I hate when people look at me. Not sure what that’s all about, but I feel that it should be included if were talking about this subject. Also, not to mention that if there are more than four people in a conservation that I should be part of, I am not. I tend to blend in the background and slowly fade away with the color of the paint on he wall, (I should be a spy). Call me the Professional Wallflower.
This is where it gets dark, FYI Journal. Most of the time I hate being around people. The bad thing is that they are my friends. Yes I will admit, that, I have canceled on my friends many many times. I have also been guilty as to not reply to their text messages sometimes to not engage in a conversation…over the phone. How pathetic is that? I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, I’m just scared of what I’ll say. I hate being quiet so my brain is always thinking of the next thing I’m going to say or what the next topic is going to be about, that at the end of the night all I would said is, “this pizza is good.”
I don’ know why I feel this way. I think it has to do with my life. I haven’t had one of the luckiest of lifes out there but it’s not that terrible. A lot of lows and one or two highs is a better way of describing it. There’s a lyric from a song by Twenty One Pilots that goes;
“While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I
Who have a really tough time getting through this life
So excuse us while we sing to the sky”
I LIVE by these lyrics so much. Sometimes I hear people say “I was once shy, now I’m crazier and louder than my mother,” or “I used to be bullied for being a wimp and not having friends, now I’m the life if the party.” And I think to myself, how did they do it? Did they go to a special seminar? Did they read a motivational book? Hypnosis? Therapy? Aliens? Drugs? I have no clue but I know I would do anything to be more outgoing. To hold at least a two-minute conversation before getting all red flushed in the face and slowly awkwardly walking away and waving bye like a fifth grader, I’m twenty-two for crying
out loud (in the corner!)
Well that’s all I had to say Journal. Excuse me while I go ignore some text messages and binge on some hours on Netflix without any social interaction or human contact and bury my feelings deep deep deep down inside.