I’m pissed off Journal,
Well, not as much as I was a couple of hours ago. I posted a story on Snapchat yesterday (that was rather depressing) I hadn’t posted anything in over two months. My two “best friends” both saw it and messaged me. One (Jen) said, “you’re not in this alone.” The other (Eli) said, “we’ve been texting you but glad to see you’re ok.” To both of them I replied “I know” which led to Jen not responding and Eli messaging back, sorry for bugging you I’ll leave you alone.
Now, I’m not in a good place but it’s not that bad. But what if it was? What if I was on the verge of leaving this life and they acted this way? All bitter and sassy? I can’t think that, that would only contribute to me taking one of the worst decisions in life, death. Like everyone else I have my good days as well as my bad days, but the difference is sometimes my bad days are really bad.
Lets try some common sense. If you have a friend that you know is going through some shit, per say. Like money or health problems or even both (because life’s a bitch). Lets say they have social anxiety and have a hard time expressing their emotions. They always smile because they don’t want to bring attention to themselves and their problems. They don’t want to bring anyone down. Everything seems fine but they seem very distant. What would you do?
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I would try to help that person. Listen to them. At first yes they’d say that everything is fine. They would possibly ignore me. But that doesn’t mean I would stop trying. I hate it when people ask me “how are you?” and once I say that everything is fine the conversation goes on but we both know that it’s not. I’m not sure if its pride or timidness but I wont come out and say that I’m hurting, or not ok. My brain thinks if you didn’t ask it’s because you didn’t want to know.
Maybe its a wrong way to think. Maybe I have the fault in all this. Maybe I’m the one who should be apologizing. But my brain isn’t wired like that. All I think is, why haven’t my friends tried harder? Why haven’t they called me until I answered? If they don’t see me posting on social media why don’t they ask whats going on? Haven’t we known each other long enough to be worried for each other? All I get is empty words and no actions. Is our friendship over?
While they’re out going to museums, movies, and concerts, I’m home sitting wondering how they have the courage to be within so many people. I wish I was more social. Social like them. I remember when I would run my mouth to people. I wouldn’t shut up. But that was only a part of my life, it has come and gone. It was like a small role in the movie that is my life that I played so well but that scene has ended. I have always been shy, timid, quite, antisocial. I keep to myself. I’m scared of human contact, may that be physical, emotional, or even mental. I live in a shell.
Why don’t they understand that I’m not the type of person that when a problem arises, I wont run towards them for support. I hide and think. Think and think. Overthink. The only way I will open up is if I’m asked. And there’s nothing I can do to help that. And I hate it. Because then they think that I don’t want to tell them anything. They start to think that I don’t need their help or support. That’s possibly how they feel right now. But I have no clue how to make amends. I just wish they tried harder. Because I can’t anymore.