If You Didn’t Ask It’s Because You Didn’t Want To Know

I’m pissed off Journal,

      Well, not as much as I was a couple of hours ago. I posted a story on Snapchat yesterday (that was rather depressing) I hadn’t posted anything in over two months. My two “best friends” both saw it and messaged me. One (Jen) said, “you’re not in this alone.”  The other (Eli) said, “we’ve been texting you but glad to see you’re ok.” To both of them I replied “I know” which led to Jen not responding and Eli messaging back, sorry for bugging you I’ll leave you alone. 

      Now, I’m not in a good place but it’s not that bad. But what if it was? What if I was on the verge of leaving this life and they acted this way? All bitter and sassy? I can’t think that, that would only contribute to me taking one of the worst decisions in life, death. Like everyone else I have my good days as well as my bad days, but the difference is sometimes my bad days are really bad.

      Lets try some common sense. If you have a friend that you know is going through some shit, per say. Like money or health problems or even both (because life’s a bitch). Lets say they have social anxiety and have a hard time expressing their emotions. They always smile because they don’t want to bring attention to themselves and their problems. They don’t want to bring anyone down. Everything seems fine but they seem very distant. What would you do?

      I don’t know if it’s just me, but I would try to help that person. Listen to them. At first yes they’d say that everything is fine. They would possibly ignore me. But that doesn’t mean I would stop trying. I hate it when people ask me “how are you?” and once I say that everything is fine the conversation goes on but we both know that it’s not. I’m not sure if its pride or timidness but I wont come out and say that I’m hurting, or not ok. My brain thinks if you didn’t ask it’s because you didn’t want to know.

      Maybe its a wrong way to think. Maybe I have the fault in all this. Maybe I’m the one who should be apologizing. But my brain isn’t wired like that. All I think is, why haven’t my friends tried harder? Why haven’t they called me until I answered? If they don’t see me posting on social media why don’t they ask whats going on? Haven’t we known each other long enough to be worried for each other? All I get is empty words and no actions. Is our friendship over?

      While they’re out going to museums, movies, and concerts, I’m home sitting wondering how they have the courage to be within so many people. I wish I was more social. Social like them. I remember when I would run my mouth to people. I wouldn’t shut up. But that was only a part of my life, it has come and gone. It was like a small role in the movie that is my life that I played so well but that scene has ended. I have always been shy, timid, quite, antisocial. I keep to myself. I’m scared of human contact, may that be physical, emotional, or even mental. I live in a shell.

      Why don’t they understand that I’m not the type of person that when a problem arises, I wont run towards them for support. I hide and think. Think and think. Overthink. The only way I will open up is if I’m asked. And there’s nothing I can do to help that. And I hate it. Because then they think that I don’t want to tell them anything. They start to think that I don’t need their help or support. That’s possibly how they feel right now. But I have no clue how to make amends. I just wish they tried harder. Because I can’t anymore.
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2/27/2017

Can’t Afford The Dollar Menu

Journal,

     Yesterday was really hectic. I had so many things to do the day seemed never-ending. I woke up like any other normal day (and that says something because my days are anything but normal).I felt comfortable in my bed watching TV then I remembered I had to be somewhere. I had less than twenty minutes to get ready, drive, and be there.

     I had to be at my insurance (State Farm) because they refinanced my car, so now I will be paying it off way sooner and they provide free GAP Coverage (thank you). After that I had to drive to Car Max to cancel the GAP Coverage I had with them. Hopefully I get some money back, that would be more than nice. Mean while I’m busy doing all that stuff I’m also messaging one of my friend’s (we call her Momo, and I met her at my old job we literally only hanged out a few times but when we talk we just get each other, like we talk to each other every day).

     I was telling her how I stood up my other friends (the ones which I actually do or did hang out with). I felt horrible for not going and not even letting them know that I wasn’t going to show up. She told me to just tell them. To call them and explain whats going on. But I just can’t.


     Its different. I told her over the phone that when I talk to her she understands what I’m going through at least tries to, but with them, well one of them (Jen) she listens to what I say but then brushes it off like it’s no big deal. She changes the conversation so we don’t have to deal with my problems. That’s not what friends do. They help you find solutions. They don’t tell you that “its going to be ok” and then start talking about their favorite anime show.


     It’s sad because I love them with all my heart but who wants a friend that never has money to go out? Who wants a friend that is always complaining about their problems? They always like to go out. They have Disney annual passes! And I’m over here barely making my monthly car payments. Like, who wants to hang out with a person that can’t even afford the dollar menu?

     That problem isn’t salved yet, but at least I went to renew my work permit and everything is looking like its going to be approved (thank god). After that I agreed to go to Mount Rubidoux every Saturday. One of my church friends said he’d join in for moral support. Yet he still eats out with his family. This is my fight any ways right?

     Side note, my mom went out with her ex-boyfriend last night. I don’t know what to think about that. She said its just a friendly dinner. Yet, she cam home with new clothes and a bottle Brandy. Things in my life can not be any more complicated. (Jinxed that).

     Anyway, this Journal entry is just a mess. I don’t even know what half of what I said was but there you, you’re welcome.

2/26/2017

Socially Awkward

Journal,

     I can’t do! I’m freaking out! I’m sitting in my kitchen table on Netflix (which is usual) but the fact that its 6:13 pm on Friday, not any Friday, the second Friday that my friend’s have rescheduled a “Friend’s Night” so we can hang out.

     I have full anxiety. They have been group texting all day. I only joined once, they expect me to get there soon, (I said I’d be there t six) but I just can’t find it in me to get up and go. One of them asked where we wanted to eat. (I’m broke as FUCK). I texted back that I would eat at home and just go to their house after.

     That didn’t work she said that she would just order pizza. That’s cool I thought , then she texted another friend to take soda and chips, in the group chat! Like you could have done that in a personal text. But whay have me see? (WHAT THE FUCK). So, am I just supposed to go empty-handed? That makes me feel so bad and I don’t even know why. How can I just go and act jolly and laugh at everythig and have fun when everything is not fun. I’m panicking I’m breathing hard and fast, I’m sweaty an its thirty-four degrees outside.

     Last week I canceled, this week I’m not even going to show up? I don’t even know what I’m doing. They are my friends, right? Why am I running away from them? Why am I putting up walls? Why can’t I be real with them?  I just cant do it.

     So I’m just going to sit here all night and watch them blow up my phone wih “where are you?” texts. No, I wont answer, because even if I tried I don’t know what I would say. I’ll jus keep watching Netflix because that’s the only thing I am good at. I’m so socially awkward. I can’t have have a normal oversation , let alone some friends? Whats up with that? Ugh.

2/24/2017

Doctor Doctor Give Me The News!

I have some news for you Journal,

     Yesterday was my first visit to the Doctor in more than thirteen years and I have to say it was well over interesting. The woman who checked for my appointment and gave me a pamphlet was super nice. People that usually work customer service and its after three PM can tend to be rude from my experience but she was just full of sunshine.

     My Doctor is Chinese I think (don’t judge me). His accent was really thick and sometimes I didn’t really understand what he was saying so i just nodded. When I did feel what he was saying was important (which should have been every word) I would ask him to repeat himself. He was nice too, until he told me that I’m mildly obese. (I was like Bitch where).

     He said it continuously. I lost track of how many times he said it. I have to lose forty pounds according to him. I mean he did have a point. I do feel a little chunky. Although I wouldn’t consider myself fat, I could be better off with less weight. He just told me to exercise more often. I have been meaning to get back to my running days but It’s. So. Hard, (Netflix is always calling my name).

     He also checked a ball I have underneath the arch of my foot. It’s not painful it just sometimes feels slightly uncomfortable. I have had it for some years now, which I know sounds terrible because it could actually be something dangerous which a doctor should have seen since the beginning but I haven’t had health care until now. That’s really a sucky excuse really because health is really important but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

     Other than that nothing really nothing  has happened, oh wait. I went to my car insurance to see if they could drop the bill a little and they said no. I have so many discounts its amazing how I am paying anything at all. But, the good thing is they said maybe if I fiance my car through them and instead of where I bought it from they could reduce the monthly payments. I said hell yeah, so they did the application for the bank and we awaited a response. I got a call this morning saying that I was actually approved so tomorrow I’m going to see what kind of deal they have to offer me.

     Also, Journal, something that I have forgotten to mention is that my friends rescheduled the “friends fun night” that I canceled on last Friday. So I have that to look forward to. *Rolls eyes* Technically I shouldn’t despise them for not being there for me when I didn’t tell them that my life was falling to pieces and every day i woke up I felt like death itself. But come on! That’s like a basic Friendship Instinct! But, we’ll see what they have to say for themselves tomorrow.

2/23/2017

It’s Just A Dream

So Journal, 

      It’s is official. I am part of a company now. Not any important or valued position of course, (mind you it’s just a warehouse). With a salary that’s close to minimum wage I won’t get any where in life, but it’s what I get for not going to college (or better said, dropping out. Or better better said, not continuing my education. That sounds less pain ful to hear). 


     Any way, the point is I have a secure job (for now) that has good benefits and nice pay. The orientation was good, not boring at all (no sarcasm intended). They provided food and drinks and a lunch so I felt really welcome. Now I’m officially an Inventory Associate. 

     But, that’s not what I really want to be doing with my life. I have always loved reading books. I love how words can transport your mind somewhere else meanwhile your body is still fixed to the real world. I love the stories and the descriptions of the writers. It’s like my own little movie in my head. The script is laid out and I’m directing it my in mind. 

     So, basically what I want to be doing (if some how I become rich) is an author. I want to write books. I want to tell stories. I want people to feel the words I place on paper and to imagine what I was painting for them. I want to touch hearts and also make people think and wonder. I want people to be hooked on what they are reading. To pick up one of my books and not be able to put it down. To write something different something unique

     I understand that it takes a lot of education to become a well enough writer. Which makes my dream really far and distant. I obviously don’t have any money to get the education I need to have “superior language skills” to be a writer. I have so many ideas I have so many stories ready to be spread amongst thousands and thousands of pieces of paper. I just don’t know how to get started. How do you make a dream into a reality , when it’s just a dream? 

     Every single book I have read it mentions how the author came from this or that university and has a masters in this and that. Never have I ever read a book from someone that just graduated high school and had a New York Times best seller. Though, maybe I can be the first one? That would be a stretch! (A very powerful, long, elástic, rubberband kind of stretch). 

     Either way I shall keep the dream alive and keep Journaling, It’s a nice vent and I love writing. 

2/21/2017