There are a couple of things that make me really happy. One of them is dancing.
If you don’t like dancing how do you even live with yourself? Get out if that mentality, the I can’t dance to save my life mentality. If your body is moving to what ever music you are listing that is the definition of dancing.
I used to only dance in the shower, and even then, it wouldn’t even be that great. But now, I’m in clubs dropping it like it’s hot and picking it up like it’s cold. It’s great. Sure, I’m not gonna lie the alcohol does help some.
A lot. But nonetheless, I’m dancing and I’m feeling free.
It’s a feeling of weightlessness. Like I’m floating or my feet aren’t touching the ground. The people around me don’t matter because I am my own happiness. I control how happy I can be. What if they stare? What if they look? What if they judge? Let them. I’m doing me and I’m having fun.
And there’s nothing wrong with acting like a fool while dancing. If you really look at it people are just flinging they’re body parts here and there and having fun. That’s all there is to it. The only time when it should matter how you dance is if it’s a competition.
So if you’re not in a competition, then get out and dance.
Yesterday I talked to my shaman.
Well technically speaking it was one of my friends. I hadn’t seen her in for ever (two months). And she just came back from being out of the country. No one thought she was going to come back do to the fact she fell in love with a guy who was a family friend. But eventually she did, and I’m super glad she did.
We went to go eat sushi because I love sushi and because why now? I really did miss her. She’s really cool and so awkward at the same time but I love her.
We catcher up and then I told her how I was feeling down the other day. How conflicted I was with everything going on in my life (it’ll probably be a post in the future), and she listened to me. It was nice. I like her points of view.
I know sometimes I put others happiness in front of mine but that’s ok because I feel like if they are happy I am too. But at the same time there’s that little feeling inside of me that I could be doing something else that would actually make me happier.
After talking we went to the park to walk around (or walk off the sushi I would say). It was a nice windy calm evening. I missed evenings like that, it’s been so hot lately and I’m sick of it.
Anyways, it was fun talking to her and my spirit really did go up from down where it had been. She always knows how to cheer me up, I’m glad she’s in my life. Apparently she knows a a girl who knows me who I met through a guy on Grindr. I know complicated shit but it’s a small world. A very small world.
I consider myself a very happy person.
Not like over the top happy just happy in general aside from my issues happy lol. If you see me, most likely I will give you a warm smile. Usually when talking with friends if they have some sort of issue I’ll do my best to give them advice or at least try to make them see the bright side of things, if there is no bright side, then I’ll try to make them see what can be learned from the experience?
But yesterday, oh boy yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday, so, I came back from Los Angeles sleep deprived since I only slept three or so hours
because I went to a club the night before and fell asleep as soon as I got home.
When I woke up I really woke up in a bad mood. Not a grumpy mood just less energetic. Like not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to speak to anyone or have anyone speak to me. Even though I had a great nap and it was one of the bests I’ve ever had I woke up feeling
ugh I’m going to say it, sad.
I’m not a sad person, well not anymore at least. I texted a friend who always see things in a different way. I told her that I needed some of her infinite wisdom. She’s those types of people that doesn’t chose sides. You tell her give me the reasons why Orange is the best color and she will, but she will also give you the reasons why it’s not, so she’s a very neutral person and I love her for that. She always makes me see both side of the coin.
She told me it was natural that I was feeling a little bit under the weather. She told me that we can’t be happy all the time. But that’s the thing, I need to be happy, I really hate being emotional or worrying about things.
The thing is that this feeling goes beyond feeling sad, its more if a tired feeling. Yes, I think that’s a better way of describing it. So, I have been more “out there” as they say, making new friends, dating and what not, going to parties, and just talking to friends more in general. Being this social is draining to say the least. For someone who didn’t even want to go to work and then only a couple months later have all these things on his list to do is a real dramatic change. A change that is good, because I hate being the victim. But nonetheless its still draining me. Because I haven’t had any me time. Or any alone time.
I think I need to disconnect for at least one day. Maybe turn my phone off for the whole day and just do me. Have no one know where I am or go out and just have fun by myself, center my thoughts and have a moment to myself. Or maybe I just need chocolate?
That’s one of the ways you can describe me. Or should I say that’s one of the ways I want to be described?
This weekend I watched Christopher Robin.
Yes I’m a little kid at heart. It almost made me cry. I loved it. I remember watching the cartoons and the movies when I was young. The one I loved the most was Pooh’s grand adventure. Christopher Robin leaves Pooh and note that he’s going to school but he leaves it stuck to a honey pot that the words get smudged and Pooh’s friend end up thinking it says skull, and that’s where the adventure starts as they set out to bring back Christopher from Skull.
Saturday I finally showed a friend this blog. I think she’s been reading some of my posts, you guys will get to know here as Queenlynn. As I told her about my blog I really was thinking if I should just tell everyone else? Should they know what I wrote about them? Should they know what goes on in my head? What I’ve been trough? I’m going to give it more thinking and then decide.
On a different note, I met this guy on Grindr who I’ve gone to the movies before. We turned out good friends and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I of course said yes. We saw a drag show and then after danced until two in the morning. I got to meet his friend. They seem pretty cool and I swear they make the cutest type of combination as friends.
The club was awesome and I really liked the vibe. There were more people than last time. I danced all the way until they shut it down. Then we chilled at my car till I sobered up before hitting a fast food place because we were hungry. Then I hit my bed.
I woke up maybe three hours later and headed to LA with a friend to buy a suit for a wedding I will be one of the grooms men in. I’m excited to be honest. I’ve never been anything important at a wedding so this is exciting. Plus I’ve been going to a lot of get togethers where they have had dance music and I’ve been loving that.
I was tired as hell but it was really worth it. This weekend went by way too fast but it was amazing at the same time. I need to slow down though. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for the last three months and I need to gather my thoughts.
You could say that I have writers block. My brain has been really empty for the first part of August. Or maybe I should say that my life has been empty. Nothing much has happened since the last time I wrote. I usually wrote when something happens and an idea forma in my head.
That’s basically why I’m writing now. The idea; writers block. So, basically I would have to write and mumble about how it’s affecting me and what not. But that sounds really boring to say the least.
Then, I thought hey I just came out to a coworker maybe that’s a good story to tell. But it wasn’t really a coming out story because I never really said I was gay. At the same time she kind of understood me on so many levels. With her being a lesbian too I think she saw it in my eyes. So there’s not much to tell there.
But alas! This weekend I will have much to tell, I promise.