I did it again. I know I shouldn’t have but when lonely comes knocking on your door there’s not much you can do except roll out the red carpet and let it in.
So two weeks ago I downloaded tinder. Don’t know why, ‘just cause’ could be a concrete answer really. Since I decided to give up on Love, I went the hoe route. Sleeping with random strangers.
In all honesty, no I don’t feel bad. When had a little fun hurt anyone? Ok maybe not the best example but still.
And hey, I work two jobs, pay all my bills and rent, take care of my family, put food in the fridge, and I’m generally a nice person. So who’s to say I can’t be a hoe once in a while? No one. You try to walk in my shoes see how long you last.
Along with being filthy, I’ve also been going out a lot. Getting closer with a friend. He doesn’t know I’m gay but that never comes up. Nor do I have the need to tell him . Does he know? Does it matter?
Any way this is my 100 post and I was going to do the whole thank you a and what I’ve learned about blogging but I’ll save that for later since I have to save time for hoeing around.
Change is good. I like change. But what happens when the change turns your world upside down? When you get stuck in the moment and have to realize what’s going on before you can take that one step in the right direction.
I work in logistics. In simple terms, a Warehouse. It’s not glamorous. But it’s not a piece of shit place either. I like it. Not small but not too big. I like what I do.
I was just recently promoted to a position that has more responsibilities but isn’t too complicated or stressing. Everything was working out fine. But business is business. It’s cut throat or get cut. Live or die. And I’ve been dying.
Today they moved someone from another department to mine. And recently they brought in a supervisor form another site in to mine as well. Both will be training to be my bosses.
How do you train someone to be your boss? It’s not fair. Why can’t I just have the position. Or why didn’t they just leave the guy where he was. Everything was cool. Everything was fine.
Now it’s not.
My mind switches sides from teaching them everything I know to trying to keep things to myself to still be valuable. Because once everyone knows what you know who’s to say they they still need you? You are replaceable by the snap of a finger.
Business is business. I shouldn’t take things personal. This is the way it usually works. When it’s not you it’s someone else. Life isn’t fair. Do I have to lie to make my way through life? Are there things I’m doing wrong? Friends I do not have in high places? Asses that aren’t being kissed?
Well, excuse me but I don’t play fake. I don’t play games. I don’t beg.
Let my work speak for itself, and they can’t hear it. I’ll find someone who will.
Breathe in and out. Feel the sand run through your toes. Feel the rays of the sun jump on your skin and gracefully caress your face. You hear the waves of the ocean splash against the shore. People laughing. Kids playing in the sand. And it’s calm. It’s all calm.
You remember what it’s like being a kid. You remember how you father helped you get up when you first fell off your bike. You remember your mom teaching you how to tie your shoes. You remember how much fun you had in school. How you couldn’t wait to go back. You remember how you never fought with your friends. And when you did, did you remember the next day? No.
You suddenly feel that feeling you felt when you were young on Sunday mornings. Waiting for a bright future. You remember those waffles that only your mom knew how to make. How your dad loved football and always had snacks on Sundays. You remember feeling warm every Christmas Eve. And you couldn’t wait for New Years to come around to finally stay up past your bed time.
The candy’s on halloween and valentines. Your first crush. Your first love. You breathe in and smell that first day of school smell. That first car you bought with your own money.
Everything is calm.
You run your hands through the oceans sands and remember how it felt to always have your blanket. How it protected you from the monsters and the ghouls. How it felt hugging your dad when he came home. How it felt holding your first loves hand. In the winter it was cold, and in the summer you would just high five.
You open your eyes. The ocean is blue and the sky is a piercing orange. The end of another day. Just to be soon the beginning of another. The water waves at you. You wave back, and everything is calm.
Yesterday I went to the beach. It was a small day-cation. I really needed it. And I had the time of my life.