I finally took it upon myself to start my writing blog. It’s amazing how long I have procrastinated on actually writing anything in that blog. I created that blog maybe more than a year ago, and the other day I barely wrote my first post. It was more of an introduction post, but nonetheless it was a post and a first step is a first step no matter how big or small it is.
I am excited to write. Of course, I’m not a college grad or in college to say the least, but I do have a dream. So for the moment I want to practice with my imagination, which is mainly why I created the writing blog. To practice. Since my writing skills aren’t not at its best don’t expect anything that is mind blowing, or do? Who knows, maybe I’ll write something that is actually semi good. In the mean time, I’ll be here, writing.
Tomorrow is my first day back to work form my almost four week family leave. I know I will be asked so many questions regarding my absence. I’ll also have to be updated on any new things that may have changed while I was gone. It will be hectic, maybe even a little stressful, but I know I will be able to hang in there.
The thing is getting back to a normal routine. Getting back to the rhythm of things is always hard. I know this for a fact. I’ve been eating without limits, going to bed at random hours, and relaxing at home with no worries. But all this will change now that I am forced to be somewhere for eight hours a day five days a week.
Also happening tomorrow, my mom will be seeing her doctor to check up on her post surgery. She’s doing so much better and manages to get around. I’m so glad I was here to help her through everything and more than happy she is doing better and content with how the surgery went.
There’s no doubt that the end of this October will be full of new surprises and busy and new things .
Today was the day I was scheduled to go back to work. I had taken off work since September twenty first to take care of my mother who went through reconstruction surgery that same day. I was going to be out two weeks and a half. But seeing as she may need more assistance I asked to return to work a little later, this Monday to be exact.
Some of my coworkers who have my number have been messaging me asking me if I’m ok or if I’ll be returning. I’ve texted them back letting them know I will go back soon. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was taking a leave of absence because, well as blunt as it sounds, it’s none of their business.
I know that sounds harsh and mean, but I don’t really have a connection to them. Sure they are my coworkers but the bond or relationship I have with them is just merely related to work. There was only about two of them that I actually did tell what was going on. I’m sure I’m the talk of the town, probably asking themselves where I am or if I’m returning, or even what happened to me in the first place. Some might even think I quit. Surprise they will get when they see me walk in Monday.
I do have to say that even though I’ve been up and down with hospital visits, cleaning and cooking, and taking care of my mother, I have enjoyed this time off. Working at home is far different from working at a job. The thought of returning does not amuse me at all.
As a matter of fact, today while buying groceries, I saw a coworker. I asked her how she was and how things at work were going. By the looks of it, they’re not going so well. Things have changed and by the expression on her face and her tone of voice, they haven’t changed for the better.
Just to confirm my doubts I messaged a close coworker and she said that everything I heard was correct, and maybe even worse. If I didn’t want to go back then, imagine how I feel now? It seems like the big boss wants numbers, and he’s going to get them at who’s ever expense.
Have you ever wondered what it would have been like to be Hannah Montana? Or someone who you knew lived a double life? Let me tell you it’s not easy. It’s hard, tiring, and very stressful. Sure, the rush of being two different people can be very exciting. The thought of getting caught or living on a high wire makes your heart beat faster than anything else. You feel like a special agent. Like a spy even. But at what cost?
The moment I stopped living a double life it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was a good Christian at home and to some friends at church, but to the rest of the world I was a very sexual loud mouth party animal.
I found myself going to clubs every week on Friday’s and Saturday’s and then on Sunday waking up to go door to door to preach about Gods Kingdom.
I know, very ironic. But I found myself thinking of everything I was doing. The huge hypocrite I was becoming . It was a huge eye opener. How could I be doing all the things I was on the next day telling people they shouldn’t be doing? Hiding everything from one part of my life from people I really cared about. I was stressed, I was tired, and to a certain extent it wasn’t even fun anymore.
I had to choose a life. I had to choose what part I wanted to live and what part of me I had to let go. It wasn’t easy. But I chose one, and I don’t regret it. Not once have I thought of what I would have been if I would have chosen the other part of my life to follow.
I have fallen off the wagon regarding food as I said in my last post. But I have also lost track of sleep. I haven’t been going to work for a week so naturally someone would say that I would be sleeping in. But I haven’t been. I go to sleep late and wake up early to go pick up my brother since he works graveyard.
He works for a very famous company that is in the news recently for raising their minimum wage to fifteen dollars. He was very excited to hear that. I was actually very excited to hear that as well. He works really hard and they push them hard too. They set goals for them and they have to meet them or even go above and beyond them. Which he does.
But, back to my headache. Oh wait I didn’t mention that, well I’ve had a headache all day today. I know it’s the lack of sleep and not eating right is a big contributor to that as well. I’ve taken many pain pills throughout the day but nothing has happened, I know what I really need is to sleep.
I was also thinking about work. I go back in exactly in a week. How is it possibly that even now, a week away, I still can’t find myself ready to go back? I like being home. I like being with my family. Yesterday I even went to a friends house randomly just to hang out.
Talking to another friend we were thinking of ways we could make money without working and we came up with nothing, because technically that would be impossible. To make money you have to work, and to make a lot of money you have to work harder. But how can you make money and then grow money? Because obviously just working at a regular job always making the same amount of money isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Am I being too greedy? Seems like this has been a recurring theme in my blog. Get money. But don’t we all want what we don’t have?
I have been letting myself go recently. The past few weeks have been really hectic. I have been up and down and getting ready for my mother’s surgery and then bringing her home after having her at the hospital for a week of recovery.
Having little time and also being tired from going here and there really doesn’t give you the energy to make a healthy homemade meal. So, I’ve been eating out, and when I say eat out I mean eating out. Plus, it does not help when people want to help you out by also feeding you with fast food.
While I was at the hospital for a week with my mom, friends would bring me lunch and it was always something from a fast food place. I didn’t mind at first but now I’m feeling it. My hands, legs, and feet all feel the same to me. But my stomach and man boobs are screaming at me to stop.
Once I was sucked into the world of fast food I couldn’t stop. I didn’t stop. As a matter a fact, just today, I went to the store. While there, I bought three cans in Pringle’s. Why? I didn’t even have a craving for them I just got them because I felt the need to. I bought M&M’s. I had Starbucks. And to top it all off I went to McDonald’s and bought a McChicken sandwich.
I ate all of it myself. I sit here and realizing what I have become. Even now, I just finished two hotdogs. I wasn’t hungry. I was extremely still full. Why did I eat? All of the things I consume is out of satisfaction. Not because I need to eat it and not because I want to, it’s just to satisfy something that I am missing. What am I missing?
I’m not sure.
But what I am sure of is I need to get back to my routine. I need to get back to exercising. I need to get back to eating healthier. I need to find a better way to control my anxiety instead of just eating it.